June 10, 2005
can’t explain the way I feel
it’s like everything inside of me is squishing together
I feel it as physical nausea
everything’s about to explode
though I don’t know what everything is
I just have the feeling
I don’t know where the feeling comes from
I am not sure of anything
I am sitting here
getting more and more confused about my existence
thinking about it does not help
but I have nothing else to do
that is no excuse
writing this probably doesn’t help either
but I have to get it out
not I need to write about something else
something that matters
I don’t know what to do to get out of this whirlwind
Lord help me get out of this trap of confusion
I need to break out of this glass
I need to get back within the world
the world I know you want me in
I am trying to label myself but it isn’t helping
everywhere I go I try to make my mark
I want to earn acceptance
I want to receive rapport
to no avail
I never get what I want
because I don’t even know what I want
I keep falling falling falling
And I fear I will never get up
I can never see past my failures
Because I fear seeing my successes is a failure
I don’t even know if I have any successes
Satan keeps bringing me down
I keep forgetting your truth
Your light keeps diminishing
But please don’t let it burn out
I know you won’t, Lord
I feel like it’s all about me
my failure to keep searching for you
though I so desperately wish I could
I so desperately long for freedom from myself
I never thought I would ever be this trapped
This isolated and confused in a world inside myself
A terrifying world away from reality
From the people I love
From the things you’ve given to me
Lord, how do I stop analyzing everything
How do I wake up
How do I know who to believe and what to believe
How do I know what to do and what not to do
What will help and what won’t???????
Most of all, how do I know what it means to trust you?
And how do I make that work.
It sounds so simple but it is the biggest challenge of my life
It is what I breathe every minute every second
I don’t know how I survive each day
I don’t really even want to survive some days
Lord I sometimes wish you would call it quits on my life
But I know I am being selfish
Because I know you’ll carry the good work on to completion
in my life
I just wish I knew why it was so hard for me to cooperate
What is with me that I can’t simply change
That I can’t simply make a right choice
That I can’t simply have the right attitude
That I can’t simply know who to believe?
That I can’t simply know the truth?
I mean I don’t even know if I’m sick or if, by saying that,
I am lying to myself
Am I weak by saying that, because, in some regards I feel as though I am
But I do have some disposition towards my condition too
And that’s what I have trouble with
I am always feeling pressure from others that I should change
That it’s all about me and my choices
That’s why I feel like SO much of a failure every day every hour every second
I hate living like a failure I hate myself when I am failure
I feel like everyone hates me when I am a failure
Please Jesus change me
Let me embrace the truth
Open the floodgates let me know your unfailing undying unending amazing love for me that knows no bounds
Please oh please Savior Abba!!!!
I am so so so so so overwhelmed and weary
from trying to live for others
I just JUST want to live for you and YOU alone
JESUS I need you! I live and breathe for you alone!
At least that is my desire!!!!!
Please Jesus!
That is why I struggle
Because I fail to think of you above others
I fail to remember what YOU think of me before what others think of me
You know my every thought my every move everything about me
And you love me like no other
I don’t understand it
I am so confused inside myself
But I will continue to trust in you as my life depends on it
Thank you Jesus for saving me
You take delight in me
I will try to remember this
I will draw my breath from your power made perfect in my weakness
Give me peace amidst the storm in my mind
Grant me serenity and help me know you are right here
Even when I cannot feel your presence
Thank you Lord
Help to continue praising you even when I don’t even know why.