my “Baca”

April 13, 2005

Dear Lord, I feel as thought you’ve refreshed my journey, my “Baca” with your cooling autumn rains. I feel at peace in the midst of your pools and springs. I am ready to take the step to the next STRENGTH in my life. I am sick of being so full of sickness and fatigue and darkness. I am read to be free. But, Lord, it’s not going to be easy. Now that you’ve helped me make this powerful discovery, my life is going to change. All because of these four words I keep hearing from You: “It’s not about you.” As I was talking with Mom and Dad tonight, I realized everything’s wrapped up in the simple fact that I’m not looking to You for anything but only to myself. I look to anything and everything to make myself happy and secure. I think that nothing I do is meaningful unless I get something back…

I am ready to change. It will be difficult because it seemed I always had a crutch-myself-that I deceivingly believed was the reason I was alive. I’ve know all along this is, of course, wrong. I’ve known to trust You only but my actions and thoughts have shown otherwise. I need to remember that ANY good done of me is not me but Your work through me. This will help me remember how much You’ve already done through me in the past, but it also gets me excited because I feel now more than ever I realize my weakness of self-dependence.

Somehow, I’m starting to realize you love me even as a broken, weak and awful person (even though you see me as blameless). I’m so glad you created me to be in communion with You and share your love and grace with others. I’m so thankful of the gifts you’ve given me, for the ways I can touch people like no one else can-that’s amazing and it’s all because of You. You are awesome, Lord! I’m so sorry I wanted to throw a part of You away by thinking of ending my life. My doubts of your power and control and about myself definitely created a barrier in my relationship with You.

Overall, Lord, I’ve been so selfish. In a perverted sense, I’ve thought I was being self-sacrificial by hurting myself emotionally, mentally (and almost physically). But, Lord, You know how I let Satan in to confuse me. I was really hurting You by thinking so many negative thoughts toward myself. I was really being selfish in that I wasn’t allowing anyone to love me, by choosing to be alone, by thinking that everything that happened (or didn’t happen) was my fault. Lord, I took everything on my own shoulders instead of giving it over to You. Lord, I’m so sorry. Even now, I’m not totally sure of all my purposes in life or how I will affect people. But I do know this: it’s not about me; it’s about trusting You to bring about Your good work through me.  Lord, because of You, I’m starting to really know why I’m alive: to learn how to love You, myself and others. Thank You, Abba! Amen

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