It is definitely awe-inspiring to reflect on one’s life and remember. Remember what you went through and Who got you through it. Being a Christian my whole life, I have heard too many stories to count of people being “delivered” from their sin or mental illness. One day they were in the darkness; the next day they were in the glorious light. Some people call it a “conversion” or “the day Jesus saved me.” I was always envious of these testimonies.
After a while I realized that my story is no less significant. Instead of having a mental illness one day and being a Christian “freed from darkness and despair” the next, I was a committed Christ-follower with unrelenting depression and anxiety. I was never “delivered” from my illness, yet I was dependent on the Lord through all the hills and valleys. As cliche as it might sound, I began to see the hills as little paths of light given by God to get me through the darker valleys.
Two thousand eight was the start of one such “hill” along my journey. I remember this year with such fondness and gratitude it is hard to even type this sentence. One day, in April 2008, I was sitting alone in my St. Paul apartment, totally incapacitated by grief and sorrow. As was the norm for me, the last few months had been a roller coaster ride. I had been hospitalized in December; got a new psychologist who I really liked in January; began DBT (Dialectic Behavior Therapy) which was proved to be highly effective for me; broke up with my boyfriend of one year just a few days earlier; and was finishing up my first highly stressful year of teaching (inner city Kindergarteners).
The main struggle was I was completely alone. I had been close with my brothers, but all three of them had moved out of the state or country in previous months or years. I was living alone and was out of touch with all my friends from college. I hadn’t really made any new friends because I had basically spent the last year with just my boyfriend. So that day, my parents called me up and realized I wasn’t doing well. “We’re coming,” they said. So they drove over and spent the weekend with me. They talked me into going with them to a church nearby, Woodland Hills, in Maplewood.
While I wasn’t too sure about the pastor and the worship, I really wanted to make friends. So after that day, I decided I would try and get involved with the Young Adults group at Woodland Hills. It was called “Immerse.” I will never forget the day in early May 2008 that I got up the nerve to attend on a Saturday evening. I now see this as a life-changing moment in my life, a gracious gift from God. He must have given this extremely self-conscious, introverted girl and extra dose of confidence that night. As I stood timidly near the entrance of the gathering, a young man approached me. He had a comforting smile on his face. I’ll never forget his kind words, “Hi! Are you new here?” After a couple minutes, Josh had introduced me to a bunch of his friends and I immediately felt calm and secure. I don’t remember the worship or speaking that night. I only remember the wonderful people I met who today, nine years later, are still some of my best friends.
I soon joined Josh’s small group at his house and made even more friends. I was utterly astounded at how God had so quickly answered my prayer for a “community.” Josh and his roommates soon kind of took the place my brothers had had in my life. Despite my insanely stressful couple years of teaching and continuous struggle with depression and anxiety, my small group (and later, the church-Woodland Hills-which I grew to love) kept me literally sane.
In fall of 2009, after I lost my job in St. Paul Public Schools, I moved out of my single apartment into a house with a girl from the small group who I’d become really close with. She had just bought the house in Vadnais Heights and had asked me to live with her several months earlier. I was also dating a godly man from the church. Even though the dating relationship didn’t work out, my relationship with my new roommate Theresa got stronger and stronger. She taught me so much, especially about unconditional love. Because with all my continuous mood changes, I was not an easy person to live with. She was not perfect either and we complimented each other well. Soon she became the best friend I ever had.
Thanks be to God, my depression seemed to stabilize over the course of a few years. By fall of 2010, I had a new teaching job that I liked; I was still committed to my church family and was growing in my faith exponentially; and, for the first time in my adult life, I had a stable living situation (still living with Theresa). The previous year I had also graduated from my DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy) program and felt this program was another incredible answer to prayer! I learned A LOT of skills for how to take better care of myself. In addition, with the help of a psychiatrist I liked, I had also gradually cut back on medication and was currently on the lowest prescribable dose of my antidepressant.
I had so much to praise God for! I felt He had really done some true miracles in my life. While I was extremely grateful, I wasn’t satisfied. I began really getting interested in health and taking care of the body God had given me better…