Posted in Jesus, poems

Clouds

~8/13/05

once again I’ve hit a brick wall
clouds inside my head
I don’t even know what to think
but still the thoughts never stop
they help me realize I am still alive
but I wish I weren’t
because I am so burdened
it’s hard to walk around
living even getting through a day
when nothing satisfies me
I am searching groping wishing You would come
but still nothingness
I thought I was nearing the end of this black tunnel
but I guess I was wrong
and the hopelessness I feel about this possibility
makes it hard to breathe
hard to pick myself up and keep going
everywhere I turn is a dead end
and again I find myself alone and utterly confused
hoping I would wake up and find joy again
but seriously contemplating the unlikelihood of that possibility
my body weighs a thousand pounds
and the sunshine outside pierces my mind like an illusive dream
it just doesn’t match up with the darkness I feel inside
today seems like forever ago
and I dread getting up tomorrow
where are you in the mundane
and why does it even matter if I am here or not
when nothing satisfies me and I can’t have any lasting peace or joy?
I really don’t know where to go from here
You remind me of the past the joy I once had
or was that even real
why does it matter if I even receive joy again
if it will just been torn from me again
and I will be left abandoned and wanting to die
that’s why I don’t see a point to living life
nothing I do means anything
when at one point I think it does
I am again let down by my own distorted expectations
my longings for recognition and worth
my fears of rejection and failure
I cannot be in bondage anymore if I really want to live
but I feel I have no choice
I’ve already screwed up too much
I don’t know where to turn
and I’m afraid You will just let me down like the rest
after all I haven’t been comforted by You yet
and I have no energy to try to better this life
when all I feel is disappointment and hopelessness
if You aren’t real, what point is there to life
and how am I even worthy to receive life or be loved
sometimes I am so confused as to why I am on this earth
Lord, how can I trust You when my failures haunt me
like demons leaving me broken wounded bleeding
how can I live in my new body when I keep returning to the old one
like dogs to their vomit
Lord, isn’t it too late?
I thought I had already turned to You
I thought I was already past these trials but I was wrong
and I fear I won’t be given one more chance
when I can’t make a difference in this world
I wish I weren’t ever even born
when I wake up every day reminded of my failures
I don’t want to get out of bed
when I don’t feel worthy of love or compassion
I simply wish to fall asleep and never wake up
I have given up Lord but I hope you haven’t given up on Your daughter.

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Author:

I am a Thirty-Something, Newlywed, Middle School Teacher, Christ Follower. I am also a lifelong Learner, Questioner, Dreamer, Creator and Lover. This is a blog of my questions about self, love, God, Christianity, wholeness & health, womanhood, relationships, suffering, and justice--to only name a few. I seek NOT to get my questions answered but to live them out in divine Peace and Rest with a Help that is not of this world. (Jeremiah 29:11)

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